Honest kindness

Just a quick one tonight.

So, you may or may not know, but it is International Random Act of Kindness week!

Today we realised at work that we had hardly any teaspoons left and my colleagues had ran out of sweetener for their tea and coffee (for anyone who works in the NHS, this is a big deal!) I don't drink the stuff for religious purposes, but tonight whilst shopping I thought I would buy some spoons and sweetener and leave them in the staff room as a nice gesture (it's ok, they won't see this so won't know it's from me!) It's the simple things in life that make me smile.

Anyway, I was also buying a dress for my eldest daughter, price was £18. When I arrived at the checkout, it scanned as £6! I said to the checkout operator to double check, as I wasn't aware of it being on sale. I was right, it should have been £18, but "because of my honesty" she gave me it for £10!!! Now I don't do nice things to receive something in return, but it is always a bonus to receive a gesture of good will :-)

I hope you are all enjoying carrying out your random acts of kindness, they may just brighten someone's day, like it has mine :-)

Life after suicide...Everyday is a second chance.

It was a surprise the day my husband came to visit me at my hospital placement.  I had just been allocated a labouring woman to support for the shift, when a knock at the door was followed by, "Your husband is here to see you." At first I thought the midwife was speaking to the woman and had got the room mixed up.

As I walked out the room and seen Darren standing there, I knew something serious had happened. "Has something happened to the kids? Is everyone ok?"

"You're dad is dead and it looks like he done it himself. You're mum found him."

I don't remember much after that. It was a bit of a blur. I must have spoken to my mum at some point and arranged to collect 2 of my sisters. I remember telling them the news, it was horrible. I don't think I done a very good job of it. I hope I haven't traumatised them.

We drove 3 hours back to our parents home, apart from it no longer belonged to our dad. His belongings remained inside, but his room was all bolted up, like a crime scene from NCIS. We had so many questions, but not one answer.

We cried, we laughed. We sobbed, we fought. So many emotions flying around the house. Unsure what to say, trying to create answers to the questions that were unanswerable. Not even the police could tell us anything until the post mortem was complete. That's the thing about an unexpected death at the weekend, everything is delayed until normal service resumes on the Monday.  You are left...wondering...

I'm not sure anyone slept the first night. My mum and I sat in the living room, trying to make sense of what was going on. What position was she in now? Would everything be taken care of?

"What's that noise?"

It was an alarm...coming from down the hall, from the bedroom that was bolted up.  It was like another kick in the gut, a reminder that my dad should still be here, but he wasn't.  We called the police to come and take the phone away that continued to alarm. Dad hadn't thought of that before he took his life. He seemed to have thought of everything else though.

Once the Procurator Fiscal was satisfied that no-one else was involved in the crime, we were able to enter the room where it happened. I found the paperwork that I needed to make the phone calls.

"I'm calling to cancel my father's telephone account. He passed away 3 days ago."

"I'm sorry, I need to speak to the account holder in order to cancel the account" said the call handler.

They didn't seem to get it. 

"The account holder is dead, you can't speak to him." 

The conversation went back and forth like this, until we agreed I would send in the death certificate.  In the end, we needed about 9 copies of the death certificate to sort everything out, who would have thought? Not all companies were this bad, some offered counselling services to support us with grieving, others didn't want to keep me on the phone for very long and were extremely helpful.  I appreciated those phone calls, a little bit of empathy goes a long way.

The biggest task was having to identify the body.  I had no idea what to expect. It was extremely formal. It was at that moment, when the curtains were pulled back, that I knew my dad was at peace. I had never seen him look so peaceful.

We'll never know why my dad took his own life, there was no note left for us with an explanation.  It didn't surprise me though, I always had a feeling that life wasn't for him. He wanted to be put to sleep at 40, apparently life goes downhill after that.

I learned many things from this experience. Everyone deals with the aftermath of suicide differently and not one way is better than another, there is no right or wrong way to deal with making sense of it all. Here is a great website to help you a little along the way.

Life for the survivors of suicide is not easy.  There is so much that you just don't appreciate, until it happens to you. Each year of my dad's death, I openly speak about suicide to raise awareness of it's existence.  I make no apologies for it. 

My greatest strength came from my belief in life after death. Our Mormon view of eternal life has kept me strong and allowed me to keep going. I don't know what will happen with my dad, as suicide is considered a sin.  What I do know, is that the God I believe in is understanding, loving and just. My dad is in a place of healing, away from living the life with a schizoid personality disorder.  It all made sense when the GP informed us of this diagnosis (28 years previously.)  If only we knew when it mattered the most.

We are approaching the 5th anniversary of my dad's death. We will never know the exact date of death, but what I do know is that there are still far too many suicides happening every day in this country. Poor mental health is hugely problematic within our society. We need to beat the stigma and talk about it more.  If you know anyone who is experiencing poor mental health, know where to turn. Scottish Association for Mental Health (SAMH) has amazing information and resources, use them! You may be the one to save a life.

I am grateful for my second chance...everyday!

Graeme Gall

1964-2011

"A step dad is so much more than the average father, because he chose to love me when he did not have to" - Til we meet again xxx

No one has ever become poor by giving - Anne Frank

I don't know about you, but I love being able to do good things that make other people happy. Doesn't always have to be a "big deal", but just seeing the happiness when their predicament has been solved, or their life has been made a fraction easier because of something I was able to offer, is just a lovely moment.

The experiences I enjoy most are the ones where actually, the good deed turns out to be more for me than it is for them. Let me explain, without sounding too selfish here.

So it was a Friday evening, we didn't have much planned but as always, looking forward to spending time with my gorgeous family.  A friend messaged me on Facebook and asked if I could help her collect a bed. "Sure, when do you need me?" (or something along those lines) was my response. So we set off on our road trip later that evening.  This friend was more of an acquaintance at the time, we knew each other from church but had never really been in this situation, alone in a car where we had to chat.  I loved it!! The chat was great and I learned so much more about her. We had another road trip a few days later, socialised together on a few occasions after and it is a privilege to call her a friend.

Now, some of you will know that I am a qualified midwife, but I decided to undertake further studies and became a health visitor.  I loved my midwifery training, the privilege of sharing in some of the most precious moments women and couples will ever experience.  For some women this happens many times, for others it happens few or not at all.  Being there to support expectant parents in that preparation for parenthood is unique and special.  It's exciting to stand on the sidelines, watching individuals plan and prepare for their new arrival, to have the opportunity to reassure them when nerves and anxiety set in that they are going to "mess it up."  I don't get these opportunities any longer in such depth, as the majority of my work kicks in once the baby has arrived and boy, I miss that part of midwifery.

You are probably wondering what on earth I am talking about, but let me piece it together for you.  This road trip to collect the bed was part of the preparations for my friend becoming a foster carer.  We discussed the excitement of a new arrival, along with the "but what ifs", how is it going to affect the family dynamics? Her relationship with her own child? She was so anxiously excited about the experience, it brought me back to being the midwife again. Privileged to support and encourage at such a special moment.  My friend was grateful for my help that evening, but I don't think she realises that actually, I was taken back to a time that I loved and made me realise that I can still experience those moments in a different way.  If there was a job entitled "Preparation for Fostering Supporter", I'd be the first to apply.  Lots happened that night for me, including the birth of a friendship.

This coming week is Random Acts of Kindness week. Although that experience was planned (quickly), it taught me that amazing things can happen from an act of kindness.  So what are you going to do this week to bring a smile to someone else's face?

Internet Safety and Kids

So today is Internet Safety day. I actually started this blog post yesterday not knowing there was an official day for it.

So recently, I had a discussion with my 10 year old son about the pros and cons of the Internet. Like most 10 year old boys, he is pretty tech savvy and has access to various technological devices. He proceeded to tell me one day of a friend of his who has a television, computer and gaming console in their bedroom.  They also have their own YouTube channel. Pretty impressive, I'm not sure I would know how to run my own YouTube channel, but it seems it's the thing to do nowadays.  It seemed my son was telling me about his friend as a hint that he would maybe ask for the same. I promptly reminded my son of the house rules that we won't be allowing computers connected to the Internet, televisions etc in bedrooms.

We chatted about how people and things may not be what they seem and it's important for parents to protect their children. The conversation was harder than I thought, partly because this son takes things quite literally and remains pretty innocent or naive (however you want to look at it), so the use of language was really important. I think I got the message across though and he was accepting of it. 

The experience made me interested to find out from others what kind of house rules they have in relation to Internet safety? What conversations have you had? Any funnies you wish to share?

The Internet is an integral part of life now, some people are frightened of it and view it negatively. My goal is to teach my children how to use it wisely and safely.  There are LOADS of excellent resources out there, here are just a few links to get you started:

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/talking-your-child-staying-safe-online/

https://www.getsafeonline.org/safeguarding-children/10-to-12/

Happy surfing!!

The beginning....again!

Ok, so a few years ago I started a blog. It turns out I was pretty rubbish at keeping up, I guess life itself got in the way (imagine that?) So I'm giving it another shot, this time though, I make no promises that I will post every week.

I find myself having random thoughts daily and sometimes I'd love to hear other people's opinions/viewpoints on those random thoughts...hence the purpose of this blog.

I love people, I find them really interesting and always eager to hear about their life experiences, how they have shaped them, influenced their opinion...you get the picture.  When I consider the reasons behind my old blog, it would have been pretty fake. You wouldn't have gotten to know the real me, as I probably would have shared what I thought people wanted to read. This blog is going to show the reality of the life of Gemma.

I'm a 30 year old mum and wife (daughter, sister and aunt). I work my big behind off Monday to Friday within the NHS and in conjunction with my husband, we take care of and love our gorgeous 4 children 24/7.  They are our WORLD! We have a lot of fun with our kids, but they make me want to pull my hair out at times too! Let's face it, who enjoys coming home from a hard days work to be greeted with, "Muuuuuum, Jacob's destroying my minecraft world!" First world problems for kids these days. Most of the time, I leave them to figure it out for themselves.  I mean, problem solving and resolution are important life skills huh?  I need to save up my energy to tackle this:

 

Yep, I'm often asked how I manage working full time and looking after 4 kids. The reality is this...you just have to prioritise and often that means things just don't get done right away. It used to really bother me, but now I just pretend it's not there...for 4 weeks!!!! It doesn't look much,but this didn't include the wash load that was in the dryer, in the washing machine or the loads waiting to go in the washing machine.

It's ok though, I tell myself, no-one has been hurt in the process of not doing the ironing. So don't
beat yourself up guys if the ironing doesn't get done, chances are, it happens in homes all over the country. You see that underwear basket at the top there? I pay my kids to sort it out and match the socks up. Partly because it's educational on many levels, but mainly because it pains me to see the amount of odd socks left at the bottom!!  Every house has an odd sock bag, right?  What's your most creative thing to do with those odd socks? I'll maybe turn my thoughts to this as I iron out the creases...